the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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