well I can't set my house on fire every night
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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