I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
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We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
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I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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