woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
