Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
