he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
