you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
