My room smells like vodka and shame
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
