he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
