Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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