can we get nightvision for the apartment?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
