dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Randomize
