this just has baby written all over it
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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