sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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