im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
