I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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