you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
