alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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