It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You pole danced in your parka.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
