My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
