when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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