Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
