You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
