i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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