Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
