The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
sex in a hospital.. check
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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