Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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