I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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