Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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