I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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