I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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