Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
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i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
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Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.