Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
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Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
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chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.