mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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