I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.