Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
My ATM looks so different sober.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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