I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I FOUND THE LEGS
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
