I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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