Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
