Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
