I saw his package. It spoke to me.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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