Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
