matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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