They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
