I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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