I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
