Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
