Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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