Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
