if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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