they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
