I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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