Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
The air taste purple.
Randomize
