Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
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He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
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I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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