People with herpes should wear stickers.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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