He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
