I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
