Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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