no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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